Forth chemo – final one

Melanie is receiving her fourth chemo – the last one. Hurray, four months of treatment is almost over. The whole thing is almost over. I am not sure how I should be feeling now. Can I feel happy? Four months of living in and out of hospitals is coming to an end. We can finally go home and never think about it again. I know that there is still radiotherapy but it is ok.

I tell Jasmin “we are closing this chapter of the book”. The moment I utter these words I am terrified with thoughts and hate myself suddenly. Why did I say “chapter of the book”? Doesn’t that imply that it is not over? There is more to it? No no no. This cannot be. It is over. I said it wrong. What I meant to say was “we are closing this book – the end”. I try to push the thoughts away but it’s been loudly said already - not going away. I am horrified.